Everywhere I go these days, I hear the world "Fearless." We gotta be FEARLESS. Take no prisoners, be like an amazon warrior! Go into battle, accomplish Hurculean feats, roar like a lion, go forth and conquer!!!
Quite honestly, even though I am generally a very confident, positive person, this sort of talk scares me. It fills me with dread and doubt. ("Am I up to such a challenge? Do I have what it takes to conquer this huge task? Who am I to attempt this? It must be hard or awful to try to do this thing they are hyping, so I better not try.") For much of my childhood and early adult life, I avoided new things, change, risk. Anything..."scary."
And of course following my choice to avoid (and the immediate relief always toxically co-packaged right along with it), came that terrible, familiar feeling of regret. If only... ("If only I had tried it... Might I have succeeded? Now I'll never know. Because now it's too late.") WORST. FEELING. EVER.
In the last 10 years or so, I've learned a lot about myself, and I have learned that actually, I LOVE the new, change and taking risks (as long as it is in service of my game or of someone else's game. My friend Pam's husband calls her the Patron Saint of Unnecessary Risk, which always made me laugh. That's definitely not me!)
Well I had an epiphany of sorts today...I heard someone on the radio say the word "Fearless" but he pronounced the word slowly, in such a way that it kind of sounded like
"Fear Less."
And that's when it hit me like a tidal wave!
I don't need to be fearless! I am never going to get rid of my fear, I just have to fear...less! Enough to allow me to take those risks I know deep down I want to take and to quiet that inner voice, that little boy or girl inside of all of us warning us not to dare.
And it's funny, because really little kids aren't afraid of trying anything. They aren't afraid of looking silly. They aren't afraid of failing. They just dust off and try again. They aren't afraid of judgement or loss of face or connection. They just leap with gay abandon into the unknown.
But in the teen years, maybe even a bit earlier, we learn to fear. We learn to fear what COULD or MIGHT happen, before we even get to something ever actually happening. We learn to run! (Run!!!) And we blow it out of proportion, and we hold it inside, and then the next thing we know, we are grown ups and afraid to take risks for reasons we don't even know. And we regret. Over and over.
My mom used to say I was the biggest "what iffer" on the planet. I haven't met everyone in humanity, but it was a fair statement. I like to think she sees a different side of me now. Most of the time...
I have learned that when I am afraid I need to stop and think about why I am afraid. Often when I feel fear, I now realize it's because something is really important to me--an opportunity I don't want to mess up. So I have learned to quiet that voice (most of the time) and say, "Good, this is important to you. So how should we handle it, because panic doesn't seem like it will serve us here...and you know we've got this!" (It helps when I talk to myself as if I were two people. There is power in numbers. I feel supported. I don't care how crazy it makes me.)
And don't get me wrong, the fear doesn't go away, but it's...less. Enough that I can move forward in the direction I know I so badly want to go.
I remind myself of my many talents (I have lots!) and think intentionally about using those talents to get me through the fear and to get me to where I long to go. I picture the outcome. The feeling of success, of facing that silly, baseless worry.
I take a deep breath, and I fear...less.
Quite honestly, even though I am generally a very confident, positive person, this sort of talk scares me. It fills me with dread and doubt. ("Am I up to such a challenge? Do I have what it takes to conquer this huge task? Who am I to attempt this? It must be hard or awful to try to do this thing they are hyping, so I better not try.") For much of my childhood and early adult life, I avoided new things, change, risk. Anything..."scary."
And of course following my choice to avoid (and the immediate relief always toxically co-packaged right along with it), came that terrible, familiar feeling of regret. If only... ("If only I had tried it... Might I have succeeded? Now I'll never know. Because now it's too late.") WORST. FEELING. EVER.
In the last 10 years or so, I've learned a lot about myself, and I have learned that actually, I LOVE the new, change and taking risks (as long as it is in service of my game or of someone else's game. My friend Pam's husband calls her the Patron Saint of Unnecessary Risk, which always made me laugh. That's definitely not me!)
Well I had an epiphany of sorts today...I heard someone on the radio say the word "Fearless" but he pronounced the word slowly, in such a way that it kind of sounded like
"Fear Less."
And that's when it hit me like a tidal wave!
I don't need to be fearless! I am never going to get rid of my fear, I just have to fear...less! Enough to allow me to take those risks I know deep down I want to take and to quiet that inner voice, that little boy or girl inside of all of us warning us not to dare.
And it's funny, because really little kids aren't afraid of trying anything. They aren't afraid of looking silly. They aren't afraid of failing. They just dust off and try again. They aren't afraid of judgement or loss of face or connection. They just leap with gay abandon into the unknown.
But in the teen years, maybe even a bit earlier, we learn to fear. We learn to fear what COULD or MIGHT happen, before we even get to something ever actually happening. We learn to run! (Run!!!) And we blow it out of proportion, and we hold it inside, and then the next thing we know, we are grown ups and afraid to take risks for reasons we don't even know. And we regret. Over and over.
My mom used to say I was the biggest "what iffer" on the planet. I haven't met everyone in humanity, but it was a fair statement. I like to think she sees a different side of me now. Most of the time...
I have learned that when I am afraid I need to stop and think about why I am afraid. Often when I feel fear, I now realize it's because something is really important to me--an opportunity I don't want to mess up. So I have learned to quiet that voice (most of the time) and say, "Good, this is important to you. So how should we handle it, because panic doesn't seem like it will serve us here...and you know we've got this!" (It helps when I talk to myself as if I were two people. There is power in numbers. I feel supported. I don't care how crazy it makes me.)
And don't get me wrong, the fear doesn't go away, but it's...less. Enough that I can move forward in the direction I know I so badly want to go.
I remind myself of my many talents (I have lots!) and think intentionally about using those talents to get me through the fear and to get me to where I long to go. I picture the outcome. The feeling of success, of facing that silly, baseless worry.
I take a deep breath, and I fear...less.
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