Know Your Strengths. Knowledge is Power!

Everywhere I go these days, I hear the world "Fearless."  We gotta be FEARLESS.  Take no prisoners, be like an amazon warrior! Go into battle, accomplish Hurculean feats, roar like a lion, go forth and conquer!!!

Quite honestly, even though I am generally a very confident, positive person, this sort of talk scares me.  It fills me with dread and doubt.  ("Am I up to such a challenge?  Do I have what it takes to conquer this huge task?  Who am I to attempt this?  It must be hard or awful to try to do this thing they are hyping, so I better not try.")  For much of my childhood and early adult life, I avoided new things, change, risk.  Anything..."scary."  

And of course following my choice to avoid (and the immediate relief always toxically co-packaged right along with it), came that terrible, familiar feeling of regret.  If only... ("If only I had tried it...  Might I have succeeded?  Now I'll never know.  Because now it's too late.")  WORST.  FEELING.  EVER.

In the last 10 years or so, I've learned a lot about myself, and I have learned that actually, I LOVE the new, change and taking risks (as long as it is in service of my game or of someone else's game.  My friend Pam's husband calls her the Patron Saint of Unnecessary Risk, which always made me laugh.  That's definitely not me!)

Well I had an epiphany of sorts today...I heard someone on the radio say the word "Fearless" but he pronounced the word slowly, in such a way that it kind of sounded like

                                                                  "Fear   Less."

And that's when it hit me like a tidal wave!

I don't need to be fearless!  I am never going to get rid of my fear, I just have to fear...less! Enough to allow me to take those risks I know deep down I want to take and to quiet that inner voice, that little boy or girl inside of all of us warning us not to dare.  

And it's funny, because really little kids aren't afraid of trying anything.  They aren't afraid of looking silly.  They aren't afraid of failing.  They just dust off and try again.  They aren't afraid of judgement or loss of face or connection.  They just leap with gay abandon into the unknown.

But in the teen years, maybe even a bit earlier, we learn to fear.  We learn to fear what COULD or MIGHT happen, before we even get to something ever actually happening. We learn to run!  (Run!!!)  And we blow it out of proportion, and we hold it inside, and then the next thing we know, we are grown ups and afraid to take risks for reasons we don't even know.  And we regret. Over and over.

My mom used to say I was the biggest "what iffer" on the planet. I haven't met everyone in humanity, but it was a fair statement.  I like to think she sees a different side of me now.  Most of the time...  

I have learned that when I am afraid I need to stop and think about why I am afraid. Often when I feel fear, I now realize it's because something is really important to me--an opportunity I don't want to mess up.  So I have learned to quiet that voice (most of the time) and say, "Good, this is important to you.  So how should we handle it, because panic doesn't seem like it will serve us here...and you know we've got this!"  (It helps when I talk to myself as if I were two people.  There is power in numbers.  I feel supported.  I don't care how crazy it makes me.)

And don't get me wrong, the fear doesn't go away, but it's...less.  Enough that I can move forward in the direction I know I so badly want to go.

I remind myself of my many talents (I have lots!) and think intentionally about using those talents to get me through the fear and to get me to where I long to go.  I picture the outcome.  The feeling of success, of facing that silly, baseless worry.  

I take a deep breath, and I fear...less.

So I recently went to London for 10 days to take an intensive business course on the assessment tool, Strengthsfinder.  But that’s not really what this story is about.  But I need to give you some background about Strengthsfinder for context.  It’s a tool that reveals your talents - what you’re naturally great at - and the idea is to develop those talents so that with practice, they become strengths.  I just love that philosophy!  While you need to manage your weaknesses so they don’t get in your way or in someone else’s way, you don’t want to put all your energy fixing weaknesses.  You’re not likely to get masterful at something you’re not naturally gifted in.  And, you’d be competing with those who are naturally gifted in that area.  It just makes no sense to waste energy fixing & filling your gaps.  Instead, you put your energies behind what you’re already good at, and work at becoming great.  

My talents largely focus on people interaction.  My number one talent theme is WOO (Winning Others Over) and it’s about being comfortable meeting new people and instantly connecting with them.  That’s definitely me.  And it’s also about having influence of some kind with that interaction.  My DNA is all about wanting people to know they matter, which comes from another dominant theme, called Includer.  So for me, my WOO moments are about wanting everyone I meet to know they matter.  (You can see the themes working together, like a secret team.  The idea is to understand all your dominant themes and understand how they work together, to make your efforts successful at whatever you are trying to do.)  

So I have been chewing on how to develop these WOO & Includer talents while I was in London.  The first occasion happened when I saw a man in his 60s, presumably homeless or at least hard on his luck, asking people for money as they came out of the Tottenham Court Road Underground (Tube) stop which was near my hotel.  People passed him by and I thought, I’m not going to do that.  First, to honor my son, who always stops to give money to the homeless in NYC because he is so kind-hearted.  He CANNOT walk past a homeless person without giving them food or money.  Second, I thought, here’s an opportunity to lean into my WOO and Includer themes (and a bunch of other themes, but never mind that right now...)

So I walked over to him and he was holding a cup.  I decided I didn’t want to put money into the cup because there was just a missing dignity about that somehow.  I wanted to put it into his hand instead, to make eye contact, which I did, and then, after giving him some money, the words, “You matter” just fell out of my mouth.  He smiled, and I walked on my way.  That really felt good.  Like I was on purpose.  Many years ago, I had walked by a homeless person who beseeched me to stop and for some reason, it was so painful, I didn’t.  That moment has haunted me my whole life, and I suppose it always will.  So in this moment, I was in part righting that wrong.  I felt good about myself.

The next day, when I was coming off the same Tube stop, I was in my own world, rushing to get somewhere, and I saw this man again -- at nearly the last possible second -- as I walked by him.  And I didn’t stop.  I DIDN’T STOP!  

“Are you kidding me?!” I asked myself incredulously, “You did this before!  Years ago.  It has haunted you.  Go back and give this man something.  Acknowledge him!  Where is your WOO and Includer?!”  But I kept walking.  I don’t know why.  And I kept thinking about it as I walked.  Was it a timing thing?  Did I need time to see him, for his presence to register?  Did I need time to mentally prepare myself to do something contrary to my first inclination to keep walking?  Did it take time to see someone, I mean, REALLY see someone - as a real person - and I just didn’t have enough time to do that?  Maybe, but then why did I keep walking once the realization that he was there?   Shame, I suppose.  Unable to look a person in the face and look myself in the face, and acknowledge I had treated someone like they didn’t matter.  All that feeling good about myself the day before was gone.  Clearly I was an impostor.  Or maybe I just underestimated how conscious & intentional I needed to be.

I thought about this a lot the next few days.  I didn’t see that gentleman again as it happens, but I decided the experiences I had with him left me with plenty to think about.  I decided to forgive myself for my failings and use the experience to be a better person going forward.  I wandered around the streets of London, enjoying the architecture, the people, just everything around me, and came upon a bridge.  Ironically named, I later learned, the Hungerford bridge.  And on this bridge, I saw a homeless man, maybe in his 30s, dirty, sitting on his knees, holding out a cup.  I was not going to walk past this one.  So I approached him, and again, held the money out toward his hand, not just dropping it in the cup.  I wanted that connection.  He seemed slightly surprised by that, opened his hand, and I put the money in it, making sure to make a physical connection with our hands, as I believe so deeply in the power of touch, and thought he probably didn’t get to have that experience very often.  He smiled at me.  I smiled back.  I turned to go on my way, and realized I had walked so far, that I had lost my bearings and wasn’t sure where to find the nearest Tube stop.  And in that moment, I knew what I wanted to do.  

I turned around, went back to this man, and said, “Excuse me, but I am completely lost.  I need to get to the Tube and I don’t know where to go.  Can you help me?”  And the impact was astounding.  His eyes lit up with a sparkly fire, he came to life before my very eyes.  He was so excited to give me the directions, we were two people, on equal footing, or perhaps he had the upper hand here as the one helping me.  He gave me very careful direction, yet the words flew out of his mouth like a locomotive.  Like he had been waiting for someone to use him for the longest time.  I returned that sparkle from my eyes and I thanked him profusely and genuinely.  This was who I am.  This experience, of giving this man the gift of being seen, was completely indescribable.  We both mattered, we both cared about each other.  Our backgrounds didn’t matter.  We were simply deeply connected.  And as with so many “WOO” moments, it was over in an instant.  But this time, I can say with confidence the impact on us both would last a very, very long time.

Best moment in London by a landslide.

Frankly, I am not great about putting things away.  I am forever hunting for things, having yet to embrace the logical notion that picking a "home" for each thing I own will greatly reduce 11th hour stress.   But I always told myself that just because I was messy, didn't mean I was dirty.  Fair enough.  

This morning my husband was frustrated because the freezer was overstuffed, he couldn't find anything in there, and it was tough to even just close the drawer.  As soon as I heard him moaning about it, I decided this time, I would drop everything I was doing and join him in a freezer-sorting brigade.  We worked like a team.  If neither of us remembered buying it, we threw it out.  If it had freezer burn, we through it out.  We found 6 bags of frozen onions.  Six?  Really?  We decided to appoint sections for things to keep better organized.  Breakfast items here, veggies over there, meat on the bottom, etc.  And then I saw the frozen peas that had somehow escaped their bag, and were lying there on the  freezer floor below the shelf.  And all sorts of other crud.  I didn't know it was there.  I wasn't dirty, I was just messy.  Really...

So we took out the drawer and started scrubbing, vacuuming, & scraping.  It sparkled. We put the drawer back in with the help of our son.   Nice to work as a team.  I decided to clean around the edges of the wooden kitchen floor, as our cleaning person hadn't been to our house in a few weeks, and found gunk.  Lots of it.  Really?  My first inclination was to think, "Wow, why hasn't the cleaning person cleaned this?"  My next thought was, "Well, how is she supposed to clean with all the crap lying around, so don't blame her!"  My next thought was, "Well, everything is a gift.  How is it a gift? It gives me the opportunity to serve my family by cleaning the floor."  And then I thought, "That's a beautiful thought. It's a big load of crap, but would've been a beautiful thought, if only I could embrace it."  And I realized that the cleaning was sort of...a meditation for me.  I really pondered, "Was this story about being messy but not dirty true?  No, it wasn't.  With all the mess, I can't really be completely clean."  I'm not suggesting I become a neat freak, but somewhere between a ton of hidden gunk and neat freak is where I want to be.   

So, with that revelation, I decided to take it up a notch.  If this was going to be a gift, let's wrap it with a pretty little bow.  How else am I fooling myself where I think I am "clean" but I'm really not?  How about wanting kindness from others but not always being kind? How about wanting my husband to be calm, but somehow not managing to be on time? How about saying I want to have more intimacy in our family's life but allowing all of us to be glue to a variety of "screens"?  How about promising to "come right up" to tuck the kids into bed and finding them fast asleep by the time I do?  

Before this turns into a big self-bashing slug fest, I'll stop, because I now have plenty to work for the time being.  Finding that dirt really *was* a gift.   It will be a lifelong intentional journey of coming clean, and I'm up for the challenge.

If you need me, I'll be outside, meditating, holding a mop.
~~~
~Debby Rauch Lissaur, CPCC
is an Executive Coach & Leadership Facilitator is committed to 
Optimism (hope) and Compassion (service and action). 
~She is certified in the SEIP (Social & Emotional Intelligence Profile), a tool designed to promote self awareness and interpersonal impact.  
~Debby is also a Certified Bigger Game Trainer, a workshop designed to dial up meaning and integrity in one's life.  
~She uses humor, irreverence and kindness to champion those around her.  
...And she writes to keep herself honest.

Around this time every year, it’s easy to get into “should” mode (I should exercise, I should eat better, I should retool my career, I should give back, etc.)  Then, we make that proverbial list of “New Year’s Resolutions.”  We are determined to start the year off on the right foot, because this year, we’re really going to...(fill in the blank.)  

What we generally don’t do in our list-making frenzy, is take the time to get really clear on what we want the end of the year to look like (and beyond), or, we have little idea how to get ourselves to a different place.  And sometimes, the “should” voice we use to create our resolutions doesn’t even come from us at all!  We internalize the voice of a family member, boss, friend, or just society pressure -- instead of creating from a place of what we most deeply want.  Simply put, most of our lists are born from obligation or guilt, instead of a place of inspiration and life-long well-being.  Our resolutions manifest as an urgent check list rather than a transformed way of living.

And so, time unravels these “best laid plans” because they aren’t anchored to something so important to us that we cannot not do it.  We get all busy and the next thing we know, we haven’t gone to the gym, made healthy food choices, gone to that networking event we meant to attend, or volunteered at the local shelter, etc.  (Insert self-judgement and disappointment here.)  Sigh...Maybe next year.

But what if we used a different approach?  

Cut to the Bigger Game.  Rather than manufacturing a forced list of obligation, The Bigger Game Experience provides a hands on way to get clear on what feeds our soul, what frustrates or inspires us, while providing a wonderfully dynamic and flexible roadmap to creating a more meaningful life.  Not just for a month following New Years, but forever, because it’s not a list, it’s a way of life.  

The Bigger Game teaches us not to go it alone, to keep checking in on how things are going, & supportively pushes us to the exhilarating precipice where we leap into action toward that which really matters, and where we make dream after dream become real.

And here’s the cool part - all you have to do is pick something - just for right now - that you’ve never done before, & you know that once you’ve done it, you’ll look back with a smile and think, “Look what I created!  I really did that!  What else can I do?!”

                                                                                ###

Debby Rauch Lissaur, CPCC and Robbin Jorgensen, CPCC are 
Certified Bigger Game Trainers, passionately committed to waking up the world 
to living a more meaningful life.  They are both coaches, certified by both 
The Coaches Training Institute (CTI) and The International Coach Federation (ICF).

For more information about how you can attend The Bigger Game Experience 2-Day workshop, or bring it to your area, contact Debby at Debby@OptimismInc.com or Robbin at Info@IgniteTheNext.com  

The next Bigger Game Experience  co-led by Robbin & Debby
will be in DELRAY BEACH, FLORIDA 
Jan 11-12, 2014  
Click To Register 

The Bigger Game Experience ™ is a registered trademark of IAMU. 

So this morning, I posted the following on Facebook:

I needed to stop at the bank to give my 6 year old money for the 
Chanukah toy bazaar.   Since we were in the car, I decided 
we'd play a game I called, "I notice" (to reinforce mindfulness)

Me: I notice a long skinny cloud pointing across the sky. 
What do you notice?
6 year old: (shrugs)
Me: I notice those bushes are all rusty brown and look soft as feathers. 
What do you notice?
6 year old: I guess the cloud looks like a dragon's head...
Me: I notice that flag is blowing in the wind. 
What do you notice?
6 year old: I notice you just passed the bank...

Good noticing. 
She must've taken the advanced course on staying present.

And I realized what a delicate balance I am always playing.  On the one hand, I am running around doing, doing, doing.  Always trying to cross stuff off the list.  In semi panic mode all day as thoughts like “Wait -- I have to remember to go to the dry cleaner!  Oh!  I have to drop off a check!  I need to reserve a hotel for my upcoming trip.  I have to shop for snacks...I have to...”   An endless stream of meaningless obligation.

Or it’s the other way:  “I have to be focused.  I have to be present.  I have to be strong.  I have to be confident.  I have to be...”  This morning it was, “I have to be mindful, and the kids do, too.”  


I suddenly realized I was in like a duck in a shooting gallery, back and forth, “I have to do...I have to be...I have to do...I have to be...”  

Then it occurred to me. It’s time to stop legislating and trying to control my environment.  It’s time to slow down, but not in a drag-my-heels kind of way...rather, in a way that serves both me and those around me, so that I create the life I want.

Holding on to setting intentions which prevent unnecessary chaos, while letting go of time wasters.  


Holding on to being open, to letting the plan stay loose...because I need that freedom to spontaneously create whatever inspires me, and letting go of needing to “get it right.”  


Instead of playing “I notice” - just simply “notice” and appreciate all that is around me - with no attachment to any outcomes as a result of that noticing.  

To trust that the universe will ensure that I get the things done that I need to, and that I can just be me.  


And feel secure that if the universe lets me down, I have children who will lovingly point out that I just went past the bank.

So the other day, I was in a checkout line and the cashier was counting out my change, putting singles into my hand, one at a time.  As she grabbed the last single, she accidentally tore the dollar bill in half.

"Oh my goodness!" she exclaimed in surprise, "I didn't know my own strength!"

Now this got me thinking.  She's probably right.  Who among us really knows our own strength?  So often we are easily defeated, or don't even want to try something because we just fundamentally believe we'll never succeed.  That something we'd really want to accomplish is just way beyond our capability.

I thought about how in moments of greatness -- true greatness -- we are amazed to see that we have just accomplished the unaccomplishable --  we stand in awe after succeeding -- realizing just how wrong we were moments before trying, doubting ourselves.

And I thought about the power we have with words -- we can build someone up or tear them down in a nano-second.   And we might not even know our impact.  From the child who is forever changed by an inspiring teacher, to a parent who tells a child they are nothing, and they begin to believe it. 

"I didn't know my own strength..."

What if we stopped believing the toxic lies of what we "can't do" and what's "impossible"?  What if we really stopped to notice the impact of our words and deeds?

What if we set our intention to raise the spirits of every child who comes along our path, of every stranger with whom we come into contact?  What if we truly noticed those we love most -- really noticed -- instead of maybe taking them for granted as we sometimes do? 

What if we set an intention every day to make the world a better place in some tiny, hardly noticeable way?  What if we all did that?  What would the collective impact be?  Can you taste it?

Let's not be asleep.  Let's know our own strength and how we want to use it.  Let's create a world heretofore unimaginable -- what we truly want for ourselves and those around us. 

Let's wake up our neighbors (metaphorically, no phone calls at 3am) and combine our strength with the strength of our neighbor...Let's wake and join forces with every person we come across each day.  What would that look like?  How strong we would be!  How much impact we'd have!

So what do you want to create?  What have you told yourself you are too "small" to do?  Great, you can't do it yourself.  Enlist your friends, and their friends. 

What if tomorrow you woke up and took the first step toward something really transformational?  What if we all do it? 

What a legion of strength and possibility we would be!  A deep force for good.  We will know who we are, we will see our strength, and be in focused action!

Perhaps we will stand in amazement of what we have achieved together, smile and think to ourselves,

"I didn't know my own strength.  But now I do."

###

Debby Rauch Lissaur, CPCC
ICF Certified
Leadership and Life Coach
Debby@OptimismInc.com
www.OptimismInc.com

Optimism, Inc.                  ...It's all good.

So the other day, I decided it was time to purge some email.  I started out with 250 unopened emails and after about 15 minutes of diligent machete-like finger taps on my iPhone, I got it down to 95.  Or so I thought.  I closed email down and reopened it. 250. How could that be?!  I checked my settings.  The phone was set to allow 250 emails in at a time, but over 2,000 more messages awaited patiently to get in.  I decided to take drastic measures.

Like a crazed lunatic, I started to unsubscribe:

• VacationsToGo...Where am I going?  No time.  UNSUBSCRIBE.  
• Zozi, Zuilly? I don’t even know what those are.  UNSUBSCRIBE. UNSUBSCRIBE.
• GoAntiques?  I wasn’t going to buy an antique.  UNSUBSCRIBE.
• Telecharge?  No, we go to broadway shows, leave that one.  
• JC Penny?  (When did I sign up for that?) UNSUBSCRIBE.  
• Lands End?  I’ll go to the URL if I need something.  UNSUBSCRIBE.  

And this went on for an hour.  I felt satisfied that so much JUNK was gone. 
And then I got to thinking, what if we treated our lives this way?   

• Laziness?  UNSUBSCRIBE.  
• Toxic people?  UNSUBSCRIBE.  
• Overeating?  UNSUBSCRIBE  
• Jealousy?  UNSUBSCRIBE.  
• Fear of Failure? UNSUBSCRIBE.  TWICE.  That one really has to go.
  

 
It's really simple, isn't it?  We choose what we do, and choose our state of mind every day.  We are always free to make a different choice.  

The next day, I woke up feeling a sense of accomplishment.  I had dumped unneeded subscriptions and had a clean, pure state of mind.  And then a funny thing happened.  I checked my email.  The same remaining items were in there as the day before.  

Initially, I was excited.  “It worked!  I’m free!”  And then an unfamiliar feeling came over me.  It was almost...disappointment.  ("DISAPPOINTMENT?!  You’re kidding!  You are finally free!" I reminded myself.)   And I realized, I had conditioned myself to spending time with a sea of meaningless garbage without really considering how else I might want to fill this time.   It’s not that I don’t have a long list of things to do.   I do.  But I’m always too busy to get to that list.  And now I had unexpected time...to myself.  With myself.  It felt...odd...yet like I was with a friend I hadn’t seen in a really long time.  

I inhaled deeply, let my breath out slowly, and made a short list of the things that would serve me & my world.  I cooked a yummy dinner for the family.  (That might sound like no big deal, but I never cook.  I hate cooking.)  I really listened when my children wanted to tell me about their day.  I wrote this blog.  And then I started to get myself into serious action.  Soulful, meaningful, you-better-be-ready-for-me action.  

Look out world.  I’m comin’ at ya.

This morning, I stopped by my local grocer and noticed there were a bunch of needed items on sale.  So I decided to stock up.  I spent a lot of time at the self-checkout.  Just as I finished, the system crashed.  I called over the store clerk, who couldn’t fix it.  Nor could the supervisor or manager.  Seems they were having problems with their checkout system all day. 

They had to re-scan all my items.  They were all understandably irritable.  They tried to hold onto their humanity by forcing a smile and asking for my patience.  I replied, “Well, if the system hadn’t broken down, I wouldn’t appreciate of how smoothly it goes every other day.  And I know just how the system feels.  It’s tired, overloaded and can’t take on one more task.” And I laughed.  Then they laughed and breathed a sigh of relief.  For once, someone was not going to yell at them.

I returned the later and asked playfully if the system was feeling better.  The manager said, “I want to buy you a coffee--on me.  I can’t tell you how much we appreciated how patient you were.” 

And I saw, in that moment, the impact of choosing a positive perspective when life throws us a curve.   It wasn't just about me staying calm for me, it was me staying calm for them.  For us.  For the preservation of community, joy, laughter, forgiveness, appreciation...To create and preserve a kinder, more compassionate world.

Truthfully, I didn't have the heart to tell her I didn’t want coffee but I knew she needed to thank me in this way.  (So if I seem a bit jittery, I hope you’ll understand...)

                                                                            ~~~~
Debby Rauch Lissaur, CPCC is a Leadership and Life Coach, certified by both the world-renowned Coaches Training Institute and by the International Coach Federation.  She is passionate about social & emotional intelligence, seeing others through the lens of compassion, and believes in seeing the humor in every day life.  If you would like to know more about her work, whether you are a corporation or an individual interested in coaching, you can reach out to her via email: Debby@OptimismInc.com. 

Sanity is right around the corner…